Bring your own Beaujolais. There is nothing like a crowded restaurant
in the fall where everyone is letting the Beaujolais talk for them.
Beaujolais season is the best time to showcase your new
communication skills. You could have been rehearsing all summer.
Be careful to avoid too much erudite conversation. A little is OK. Otherwise,
your Beaujolais could be saying, It’s not that I don’t like Kierkegaard,
it is that I’ve never heard of him. And his Beaujolais could be saying,
I’ve always liked Wittgenstein better because he has only two books.
Suddenly, your Beaujolais blurts out, I haven’t been on a date in a long time.
His Beaujolais can say, I have a girlfriend. Then, your drink says,
I’m taller than you. This is when things start to fall apart.
Move on to the next person with your prepared statement.
I have been reading Hegel and I have found that his emissions
on the phenomenological evolution of consciousness emanate
the idea of relativism between nature and freedom. Look for men
who take that as a cue to say, Can I buy you another drink? It is code
for I am available. Many men can read that. You can also
talk about television. It attracts the same type of men.
These men can ask you if you have a ride home, you are looking
sloshed. You take that as a cue that he is coming on to you.
No, you look like you should take a taxi. You can be bummed, here.
There is nothing more embarrassing than being told you are drunk.
It says that you are not in control. That you may be getting undressed.
Try not to lean on anything. Holding up walls is a sure sign
you have had too much. Your best idea will be to count your steps.
If you lose count ask someone to take you to your place.
Do not dance, here. Take me drunk, I’m home.